Silent blog.

Sooooooo....this blog has been silent for almost two weeks.



It's not that there hasn't been anything to tell. Or write about. Or be happy about.



It's ALL about one pervading, unending, paralyzing, suffocating, take-over-my-whole-existence, hold-me-hostage, make me cry at night (and sometimes during the day) problem.



I think one of the things that makes this so difficult for me is that it affects every day of my life---almost every minute of my life---and definitely everything I do in life.



I find it discouraging that I may never find an answer in this life for this problem.



Because of "IT," I feel like my quality of life hovers around a "3" if I'm lucky, but it seems lately, most days I feel like my quality of life is in the negative numbers.



What makes it worse for me, is that I feel like most people, that do know about it, don't take it seriously, or realize how DIFFICULT my life is because of it.



Maybe if it was more apparent and obvious---like wearing a body cast or something---people would realize it's realness in my life.


Maybe because I am getting older, I can't just "fight" through it anymore, so it seems more debilitating to me now. I don't know.

It's starting to make me so angry that people that DO know about this don't take it seriously and realize how horrible this is for me, even if I have told them several times that it's really difficult.

Not that I expect anyone to do anything about it, but I'm so tired of people not believing me that this is really ruining my life to a great extent---or at least that's the way it feels as I try to wade through my life with "IT."


Up to this point, I really haven't told many people in my everyday/here life about "IT"---maybe because most people I do tell, don't really GET how this affects me, or how MUCH it affects me. I guess I also get tired of reminding those that DO know, that, despite how it appears, YES, it is STILL an issue in my life. EVERY. FREAKING. DAY. There are no holidays or days off for good behavior.

One person with whom I have had a good friendship up to now, has known about "IT" for a while. I really don't think she realizes how debilitating this has been for me. I know deep down she thinks it can be alliviated by exercising more and eating less sugar.


If it was only that easy---this would have been solved years ago. Like maybe last year, when I was shoveling handfuls of raw spinach down my throat everyday in hopes that the "super nutrients" of spinach would make a difference. Add to that two pilates classes a week, one yoga class a week, two hours a week with a personal trainer, and an additional three hours a week of cardio.

No such luck.


A month or so ago, it was suggested that perhaps "IT" was caused by a certain genetic heart condition. I made an appointment with a cardiologist. (Unfortunately, most people that have this condition only find out--or rather their family finds out---after they keel over dead and then have an autopsy.)

Before the appointment, I was talking to a friend and she asked how I was doing. I told her that I was going to see a heart doctor for a possible condition that could contribute to "IT."
As strange as it sounds, I was kind of praying I might have this heart condition, because then there MIGHT be some sort of solution for "IT."

Before I even got my sentence out, she replied, "So, if you don't know you have it, and can't really do anything about it even if you do have it, what difference does it make if you know you have it?"

I really don't feel like my friendship with her will ever be the same.....If she would just show a little compassion and empathy for something she doesn't understand, it would go a long way.

Sooooooo, I have another doctor appointment on Monday. I HOPE he/she believes me, even if the tests they run don't show much of anything. I HOPE he/she is willing to search the deep recesses of their medical minds and try at least something to help.

I can only keep searching the internet and read my ever-growing IMMENSE home library for possible solutions for so long. (I really do have enough books to rival a small town library.)

Years ago---before we moved here--I even tried to mentally digest a 450-page tome on Fats that Heal and Fats that Kill.......in hopes of finding an answer.

Among other things, I have also read a book that researched an indigenous tribe of people in the 1920s that, up to that time, had been relatively untouched by "modern" society. They ate off the land, didn't eat anything processed and ate no refined sugar. Despite not having "modern" medical or dental care, they were extremely healthy and had no tooth decay.

I have almost all the books recently written on "Superfoods" etc. etc. etc. Applying as much of this information as I reasonalby could hasn't helped much.

Sooooooo, I sit here tonight actually feeling a little better about things because I have written it out.

I'm REALLLY REALLY grateful I do have one person that REALLY REALLY gets it....Matthew.

Maybe tomorrow I should write about what "IT" is exactly......

Right now, I think I'll go slumber. Have a lovely night one and all......